Magnolia E.D.W Mulqueen/Nov 5th, 2016 — Ever since I was nine years old and my older cousin showed me the trailer, Splice has been a movie that sparked great curiosity with in me. From what I had gathered from merely a few trailers, a couple select scenes on YouTube and an interview with the cast, this was a movie about a couple of scientists and they decide “Hey, what if we take human DNA, add a whole bunch of other shit, and then raise this monster as our own” but then this mutant grows too fast, becomes too powerful and some bad shit happens. And so, after eight years of unanswered questions about this movie, I decided that I was going to spend the three dollars and rent it on Google Play.

    Now I’m not sure if it was my own anticipation or if the opening credits were actually ridiculously long, however, the first five minutes of the movie are just names flashing in front of green CGI fleshy test tube bits, there were some scales here and there, glands pulsing, it was just over all uncomfortable and boring…if those two things go together (I was going to make a sex joke here, but I decided against it). Finally we get to the opening scene, in which these scientists are birthing this disgusting skin bag that resembles a cancerous growth. As it would turn out they have actually created two of these tumor demons, a girl and a boy ;), in an effort to harness this protein that could act as a super cure in people….so far I’m following.

    Well, just after they’ve told their boss about their success in creating life the two main scientists, Elsa and Clive (Who are either married or dating) decide “Okay but what if we added human DNA?” And their boss is like “Please do not do that, that is so extremely immoral and bad.” Of course they do it anyway, if they didn’t there would be no movie.

    I can get behind why they would want to clone a human, like a straight up human, I’ve never seen what the big deal is, I think cloning could be really beneficial to the world, but why would it be a good idea to clone a human, mixed with a bunch of scary animals?? That equation can only point to one thing: bad. You have the brain of a human, opposable thumbs, animal claws, animal speed and agility and !ANIMALISTIC INSTINCTS! I just have trouble seeing where this particular mixture seems like a good idea. You’ve just created a living Molotov, but…okay…I’ll keep watching.

    They watch this thing grow in their giant lab uterus and they notice that it is maturing super fast, so fast that it has to be born in a matter of days. When they are trying to bring it into the living world they find out that this thing’s most defining feature is its stinger that pumps people full of venom that causes seizures! Do they kill it? NO! They decide they’re going to go ahead and worry about it in the morning (but honestly, based on how I handle all my responsibilities, I’d probably do the same thing). They come back the next day and the thing has fucking melted and now it’s this spooky little kiwi type mother fucker with arms where it’s legs should be, nothing where it’s arms should be, and a human face, and a tale with that bitch ass stinger on it. This thing is what nightmares are made of. But. They. Still. Fucking. Keep. It.

    Not only do they keep it, but they also name it, which made me mad because I’m pretty sure rule number one of science is don’t give your experimental subjects names! That’s why I don’t refer to any of the people I experimented with by name, I refer to them by their most defining feature: forehead mole, freckle face, mega asshole wrapped in a pair of skinny jeans, good kisser, The Literal Worst, angry, and in a band. They name the thing “Dren,” and Dren is still quickly growing and they don’t question it at all. They also find out that not only has she grown arms, developed language skills(she doesn’t talk, but she can read and write) still has this fucking stinger tale, she can also breathe under fucking water, because WHY THE FUCK NOT?!?

   Meanwhile, back at their real job, the girl tumor monster is losing estrogen…that’s weird, but guess what, Clive  and Elsa don’t look into it because they’re too busy taking care of their spooky monster child who is now the size of an adult woman and is living in the basement of their lab??

    I also feel like I should address that there are three sex scenes in this movie and each one gets worse than the last. In this first one though it’s mostly just uncomfortable because Clive and Elsa keep all their clothes on…and I’m just not sure how that works…but okay…sure.

   Eventually, they (finally) decide to move Dren out of the lab and into a barn that Elsa never mentioned owning (???). They insinuate that she grew up there with her mother who is dead and she didn’t want to go back so she just left it, and the place is totally trashed and it’s bad. But they create a little home for Dren in the barn…not the house…for whatever reason, but it’s still okay because she has a tank so swim in and a bed and toys and stuff, but she just wants to go outside, so she breaks out and guess what! This bitch has fucking wings that grow out of her arms because fuck you.

    Also remember when I mentioned that the girl tumor monster was losing estrogen? It’s because she fucking just morphed into a he, all on her? His? Its? Own…because that’s how science works…and somehow that’s not a big deal? Like they don’t decide to research THAT? That seems like kind of a breakthrough to me, if you could harness whatever made that happen so quickly I think a lot of people I’m the trans community would appreciate getting that instead of hundreds of thousands of dollars in surgery…but I mean that’s just my opinion.

   Now here comes the conflict. Dren is unhappy in her barn, she’s maturing, she’s a woman now (I guess), her hormones are going crazy, what can you do? I’ll tell you what she did, she danced with Clive and somehow, by looking into her eyes Clive realized that the human DNA she was made with came from Elsa, because it turns out *plot twist* some crazy unexplained shit was happening in Elsa’s family…(I mean she didn’t have a dad so maybe she was just a clone of her mother, which is probably why she wanted a clone of herself and why she grew up on a farm in the middle of nowhere…all the pieces are coming together….oh my God!!!) And then because Dren is actually just Elsa mixed with a bunch of other crazy shit he HAS SEX WITH HER! and that was really really weird to watch because I guess when this mutant orgasms her wings come out and her stinger gets all pointy…AND THEN ELSA CATCHES THEM IN THE ACT, and no one knows what to do because the lines between good and evil have been blurred, and we all saw mutant boobs, and no one knows what to do!

   And then, Dren gets sick and she’s dying and now Clive and Elsa are sad because they’re experiment/clone/daughter/lover is dying and it’s all going to be over. Or so we think. Remember when I mentioned how that one thing turned from a girl to a boy? Well Dren rises from her fucking grave, She’s like ten feet tall and she’s a man, and that fucking stinger tale thing? Yeah that’s his dick (ouch. I fucking know).  Now everyone is really freaking out because there’s this demon running around that’s giant, naked, can breathe underwater, has super speed and can fly.

   This was the part of the movie I was not at all prepared for. Elsa is hiding from Dren, who of course finds her, Dren gets on top of Elsa and Elsa is like “What do you want???” and I’m looking at my phone screen just thinking “that fucking Hell demon better not fucking talk or I will lose my shit.” Dren fucking grunts these fucking words and I have never felt so violated by a movie in my whole life. Dren grunts “IN.. SIDE….YOU…” And then tears Elsa’s clothes off and starts fucking her with his fucking venom dick! Nobody warned me of this, I was not ready! If I had known that was going to happen I wouldn’t have watched this movie. I mean if Dren is just a fucked up Elsa…did Elsa just rape herself? What the actual fuck? Is that incest? What is that?

   And right as Dren is finishing, Clive stabs him with a pipe!!! But then Dren doesn’t fucking die, oh no he pulls that fucking pipe out and venom dicks Clive right in the face and THEN Elsa drops a rock on Dren’s head. The rock killed Dren, but…not the pipe?

   And finally in the last scene we find out Elsa is pregnant…with Dren’s child…which means Elsa is pregnant with herself…I guess.

   All and all I’d give this movie 4 WTFs out of 10. Just don’t watch it.