Magnolia E.D.W. Mulqueen/Dec 17th, 2016 — I feel like I need to preface this particular review by saying that I do not like most scary movies. Not because they are too scary for me or anything, you know I’m not a wimp or anything, no, I don’t like them for the opposite reason, they are way too predictable. If you are a person who has met me in real life, then you know that I’m actually a very jumpy person, which could lead you to believe that I am lying and that I don’t like scary movies because I’m a little baby and I don’t want to get nightmares, and that’s where I would shout “You are incorrect, sir!” and point my finger at your face menacingly. I am jumpy in real life because in real life real bad things can happen, and I don’t trust any bitch, so of I walk around some corner and you’re there waiting to scare me you know damn well I’m gonna scream and jump in the air like a little kitty cat because a kid has got to be ready to fight, but I’m getting away from my original point. I do not like most scary movies, because scary movies are the easiest things to write in existence, I had already made the scary movie formula my bitch by the time I was 11 because I’d spent all of fifth grade binging slasher flicks. Scary movies are child’s play, plain and simple, I watch a scary movie, I know it’s not real and I know exactly what’s going to happen to each character. Nevertheless, I’d been having a craving for a scary movie for the past few weeks, sort of like when you start craving the worst kind of fast food, and you know that you have access to something so much better than that, but you just want to destroy your own body because you sort of hate yourself, like that. So I get on Netflix and I’m looking for a ghost movie, because ghost movies are typically the type of scary movie I can get a rush from, ghost movies are still classy now and then, like The Others, I like The Others, but of course they took it off Netflix and all the other ghost movies are some type of exorcist ouija board bull shit and that’s just tacky. Finally I give up and I click on the last movie in the Horror section, Contracted.

    The description: “A girl thinks she got an STD after a one night stand, but it turns out to be something much worse,” we’re off to a good start.

    The opening scene shows a man working at a morgue, taking a dead body out of its little dead body drawer, and then having sex with it. Right off the bat, this movie has earned all the fucked up points it could possibly need. After getting intimate with the corpse the necrophile decides he’s ready to go party. At the party we are introduced to the main character, her name is Sam and she is a lesbian (WARNING: THIS MOVIE MAKES ALL LESBIANS AND ALL STRAIGHT GUYS SEEM LIKE SEX CRAZED PSYCHOTIC AWFUL PEOPLE), basically her entire character description is: Lesbian. Sam had a girlfriend, but her girlfriend is actually the worst person ever, and she treats Sam like actual dirt.

    Sam has this other friend named Alice, and Alice is also gay and Alice really wants to get with Sam, so Alice gets Sam drunk and all the guys at the party are like “Wow those lesbians are hot, I bet if I act cool enough one will have sex with me,” but then guess what! The fucking necrophile slips Sam a date rape drug and also we find out his name is “B.J.” which means whenever anyone mentioned him I just kept thinking “blow job,” I just don’t think you should go by your initials if your initials are “B.J.,” that’s like going by “69”. Anyway, I feel like I don’t need to say what happened next, what with the date rape drug, it’s dark and if you are sensitive about that sort of thing, you really shouldn’t watch this movie, it should really have a trigger warning.

    Sam wakes up at home, but she’s bleeding from her vagina, like a lot, like…too much, but she’s like “Oh that’s really gross,” then she takes care of that and goes about her day. Then she finds out B.J. is wanted by the police, but she doesn’t come forward and get help from people who know what they’re doing, because…I don’t know why.

    Next day, Sam starts puking up blood, and everyone is like “You good?” and she’s like “I’m totally fine,” and I don’t understand why she won’t tell anyone she’s sick.  If I were puking up blood and someone was like “Hey are you okay?” I’d say “No the fuck I’m not, I have the fucking plague or some shit, now drive me to the hospital please,” like Jesus Sam, get some help, light a candle, say a prayer, do something! So we watch this girl slowly start to fall apart, her eye is turning red, she has this nasty green rash, a tooth falls out, she goes to the doctor, the doctors like “Yeah you’re fine,” because apparently everyone in this universe is so unbelievably stupid, like in what world does puking blood and bright red eyes mean fine? What the actual fuck kind of writing is this?

    By the third day Sam is actually just a dead body walking around. Her hair is falling out, you see all her veins, her teeth look like little tree stumps in her mouth, she is nasty looking. So she starts going back to the doctor, but instead she goes into work and she works in a restaurant, and her fingernails start peeling off in the kitchen and her boss is like “You should go, you don’t look so good,” like yeah no shit George, she’s been puking up blood, losing hair and teeth and fingernails and you are just standing like an idiot like “Oh you don’t look so good” actually get the fuck out. Next Sam goes to the doctor and he’s like “it’s an STD I guess?” you know, that one STD that makes you actually fall apart and die after three days? Then she goes and snorts some coke, her girlfriend breaks up with her, she murders her girlfriend. She is having a bad day. She murders Alice, then she calls up this guy like “Hey let’s bang” and he’s like “gay?” and she’s like “bang” and I guess this guy doesn’t notice when they’re making out that half her teeth are gone and all the other ones are all decayed and disgusting. The only time he realizes something is wrong is when little worms fall out of Sam’s vagina.

   Next thing you know, Sam is driving, passes out in her car and when she wakes up…she’s a zombie I guess?

I didn’t like this movie, I give it two gross sex worms out of ten